kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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