i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
