I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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