After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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