I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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