im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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