chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
