wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
it's great music for shaving your balls
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
