Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
