I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
