Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
im six kinds of drunk right now
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
