So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
