youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
