I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
It's official drugs can't kill me
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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