she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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