after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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