remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
