yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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