ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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