so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
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