Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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