I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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