I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
50% drunk capacity currently
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
