what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
