idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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