Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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