you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
