so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
