Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
