He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Randomize
