she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
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