Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
