3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
