Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
