i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
