lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
