There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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