Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
