remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
