you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
