someone get that fucking seahorse.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
