Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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