So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
