my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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