who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize