I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
