I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
