I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
