my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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