so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
