Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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