you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
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