i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
