Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
