I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Two words: blizzard sex
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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