he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
