There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
