Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
