Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
